Craving Connection but Unable to Connect

It was only a month ago that I was sat cross-legged and face to face with another woman. My hand was on her heart and hers was on mine. She was a stranger, aside from a brief meeting in which she guided me, a lost and startled being, to the place we needed to be. And for five minutes we sat and stared in to each others eyes. It was weird and it was awkward but I was tearing up and all I wanted to tell her was that I love her.

I often find my self alone, not feeling alone but definitely on my own. It's my own doing. I don't take an entourage (I don't exactly have one), and I don't take back-up (cause I'm not here to fight). People always ask me why I do it. My closest friends and extended family still ask me. Well, I'll tell you this, there is nothing quite like forced friendships. You know, the kind were it's just two people, maybe more, travelling in parallel. You're trying not to look like you're following each other, but it gets a bit stalkerish anyway and so you decide it's probably safer to just talk to them. And low and behold you're both looking for an inflatable flamingo in Kmart, but you came a day late and so you both get a little bit stressed and a whole lot pissed off. And then you get a little bit jealous cause you both know that there are already three-hundred bikini-clad teens riding out on inflatable flamingos in crystal waters. Flaunting their #flamingos. But now you have a friend, cause you made a connection.

We all crave connection and we all look a little bit lost when we move about on our own. I remember a time when I was about sixteen and once again I had found myself alone, but I was in a room full of fifty other people who where also on their own. So I sat down and I made my body the smallest version of itself and I waited for someone to find me, to want me. Minutes later I looked up as a beautiful girl seemed to be walking in my direction but my mind quickly said, "why would she want to be friends with me?". But now I think, why the f*** wouldn't she? We both needed someone and let's be honest anyone would do. If I'd have just held eye contact that little bit longer, if I'd have softened my resting-bitch-face into a smile, if I'd have just said "hey", I would have had a friend. She would have had a friend. She also wouldn't have had the chance to give me one of those obvious once-overs with her eyes that kill girl friendship vibes before you can even take a breath.

So why do we find it so hard to make connections? To make friends? We are all looking for the same thing; we want to be acknowledged, we want to be loved and we don't want to be judged. Is it me or is it you who can't offer all these things? Friendship doesn't have to be difficult and it doesn't need to last a lifetime. I'm learning to accept that great people come in to my life and give me joy and show me new things, and then they go. And I don't need to get mad about it, or find a reason to hate them to help me understand why they left. I mean, can you imagine if you had to stay in contact with all four-hundred-and-fifty of your Facebook friends?

Now love. I have always reserved love for a select group of people. Our idea about who deserves love and how love should feel is warped, mostly thanks to sh** like this: signs you're falling in love; you pretend to be shy when you're with them (cause apparently love is when you don't feel comfortable enough to be yourself), you get high off their smell (*cough* pheromones *cough*), you start listening to slow songs (Nope. There is no evidence to support this statement). Who writes this stuff? I once heard a boy say he wasn't going to tell his girlfriend he loved her until he knew she was "the one". To boy, get f***ed. Sincerely, humanity. Being away from home always makes me realise that I didn't and still don't say "I love you" enough.There is more than just one person that deserves to hear those three words said by you. There are a string of people that have travelled parallel with you, that have selflessly helped you out along the way in this thing that you call life, but you can't tell them that you love them?

The last time I tried to tell someone that I love them my throat closed over and I just cried instead. This was after I tried to silently slither away, because running away felt a lot easier than emotional confrontation. I didn't know what it would sound like coming from my lips, and I couldn't be certain that I wouldn't drop a Disney film line. I also felt like maybe I needed a soundtrack playing. So anyway, this is a promise to make sure you know I love you, no Don't You (Forget About Me) required. I love you cause you make me feel safe but push me in to the unknown. I love you cause you helped me survive twenty-five years of life. I love you cause you tried to help but your directions got me lost. I love you cause you are just the right amount of selfish and selfless. I love you cause you let me use your toothbrush (actually, permission was not given, but what ya gonna do?). Also, I love you cause you set me free.

The Problem With Doing a "Lifestyle Degree"

I have all the resources to be the fittest, strongest, healthiest, coolest person and I don't use any of them for my own selfish self. 

Instead I just see the faults in everything I do and glaze over like a deer-in-the-headlights cause there's so many of them.

Depressing really. 

I've mentioned this previously, I'm doing two degrees; one in Nursing, the other in Exercise Science. So essentially until I graduate with the ability to advise others, I'll just go about self-diagnosing and self-prescribing. I'll spend hours writing myself a program that's going to see me running 5km in under 25 minutes. Then I'll promptly remember I hate running. And that's ok. I'll repeatedly remind myself that I need to eat more vegetables. And I'll end up eating more peanut butter instead. 

I love writing plans and mapping out every aspect of my life. I write them all down on nice paper and I even include pretty pictures. I'm hopeful. I'm also spontaneous, so this planning for routine really doesn't stand a chance. This makes me laugh, it also makes my brain feel like a battle field. 

So here are some problems that ramble through my mind on a regular basis:

1.   Don't sit down

But I'm trying to study, surely that makes it ok? It's called a TreadDesk, and it looks difficult. I can hardly manage searching reputable resources on my Mac and trawling through Instagram on my phone at the same time. Now I have to walk too? Lucky there won't be any lamp-posts to walk in to in the comfort of my own home.

I've even started to feel guilty about sitting down for lectures. Mainly cause every second day we talk about why we shouldn't be sitting down for lectures. Oh the irony. 

2.   Healthify everything

Orthorexia, this is new, heard of it? "a fixation on righteous eating". Yes it's totally possible to make a healthy Mars bar with ice cream and cover it in caramel sauce. And, you can definitely make it raw, vegan, gluten-free, sugar free and low-carb. And, no, you won't have any friends because they would all prefer to cut the crap and just eat a Mars bar instead of your green creation that looks like an oily piece of cardboard. But go you, I think you get to post a photo on Instagram and caption it, '#guiltfree #paleo treats cause I don't crave sugar EVER anymore'. 

3.   Goals need to be SMART otherwise you'll probably never do them

Specific, measurable, attainable, realistic, timely. Don't just let your goals fly around loosely like helium balloons, hone them in and tie them up. 

Want to go grocery shopping today? There's your goal. Now be more specific. Coles or Woolies? ALDI is pretty close too. With whom will you be taking on this quest? Probably not Tim cause he sneaks Chicos into the trolley. Time frame? Shopping list? 

Have you considered the possibility of a broken trolley wheel and how that will affect your progress? When you enter the supermarket how do you plan to avoid the sweet calling smells of hot cross buns? 

And finally, there's no point in doing anything if you can't measure success. You get the gist. I know I like to feel like a winner or at least set some kind of a PB for it to be worthwhile. 

4.   Being passionately pissed off about unqualified health-industry money-makers

Yes, I will question the beautiful young model who has 2.6million social media followers. I can't tell whether you are just another genetically skinny bitch or if you did work your ass off to get that figure. But just cause you fit into a tiny bikini doesn't mean you can advise 1000s of others on how to fit into a tiny bikini. Show me your credentials. Yes, I'm a little jealous of your slender physique and looking at you makes me want beat myself up, and I know I'm not alone. 

Women of the world, you don't need a thigh gap big enough swing a cat to be healthy, fit, or beautiful. You also don't need violent collarbones that injure others when you embrace, or cheekbones that jut with more structure than your life.

5.   I should be better than them.

My best friend can run 5km faster than I can. We do Southbank Parkrun most Saturdays and it gets quietly competitive. For a couple of weeks I struggled to even hear her tell me her time. It felt like she was gloating, bragging. What a bitch (not the right word to describe your bestie, EVER). I study Exercise Science, I should be better than her. 

So then in my little mind I think of all the things that I'm probably better at than her and now I'm scoring 25:1 and she can't even defend herself. That warms the spirit. Then I remember how different we are. Not just her and I, but you and I. We look, act, value, believe in and do completely different things. And I will support you where ever you decide to go and whatever goals you decide to kick. And well, she set a 5km PB. Fuck Yeah! 

We are all great at completely different things. You are not my competition. I am my own competition. 

6.   Die old and healthy, not choking on cheesecake.

Based on projections calculated by the ABS I might live to be 96. But will I age gracefully? I imagine I'll die in my own bed, in my own home, and as peacefully as the closing of a jasmine nightshade flower. But in reality it's a toss up between being incapacitated in hospital, a heart attack in the middle of a cross-fit WOD or choking on cheesecake. Cheesecake is my favourite, so I choose that.

So let's take a moment to remember that Mars bars are delicious and people are beautiful and strong in different ways. Go be friendly to one another.